I'm free....for the moment!

I'm out of Covid jail and, for my first trip out, the sky was a fitting mix of hope and gloom.

As I tested positive for Covid on the same day that my ex announced she was leaving, I have been locked inside and haven't seen anyone other than her and my boys since.

Anyway, I had my first social since my situation changed. I was dreading it and the more I thought about it, the more anxious I became.

I wasn't worried about being judged, or mocked, or making a fool of myself. Perversely, I was dreading all the support I would get. It made me remember my father's funeral when I was younger and everyone saying things like, "I'm so sorry, if there is anything we can do..."

It may be the social norm, but there are only so many times you can hear that before you want to peel your own face off and the only acceptable response is along the lines of, "Thank you, I'll be sure to let you know."

I won't. It's not like I can turn round and say, "Well actually, my eldest ripped through his PE shorts and they need stitching if you don't mind." or "Yeah, I fancy a few extra hours in bed, can you take my little one to school?" or "Now that you mention it, I've got an itch between my toes."

I had decided not to drink a lot. A scene would be inevitable if I mixed alcohol with my pills and my current mental state. I was going to be a good boy. I was going to behave. I didn't behave.

In the end, I survived the night intact, which is as much as I could've hoped for really. Hindsight tells me it was a little too soon for me to go out.

I had a funny moment, followed by several hours of crying, and now mum and I have discovered we can't get on as well as we had hoped.

We are now working towards an arrangement where we don't have to see each other at all but the boys access to there mother is not limited.

My next social is a day trip next week. I'm feeling good about this one as I will be completely removed from my situation for a few hours with people who don't know me and don't know anything about what has happened.

On a more positive note, one of my boys who is struggling with his own mental health issues took a giant leap forward.

He started taking two lessons a week in the classroom as part of a slow reintegration into mainstream education. As the support he needs could be some way off, we decided to trial in school lessons. He is doing okay and next week has a lesson everyday.

We also finished the Christmas tree!