Where's my chocolate egg?

Christmas is over and it's time for the shops to stock up for Easter!

I was under no illusion that the big day wasn't going to be the hardest day for me. I survived and the boys seemed to be okay.

It wasn't their best Christmas. I hope they enjoyed it though. I managed a tasty meal and we all played Twister in the evening. I managed to cover for most of the things I forgot and my boys made a good attempt at getting some of the necessities!

Their main present was the London trip so they had a few little bits each and they all seemed pleased.

It was a chilled out morning and I was feeling in a good mood so I tried reaching out to my ex for some closure. Things inevitably went down hill for me from there.

I was okay up until the point I reached for my party game to find it wasn't there. That triggered me and I went from Jekyll to Hyde in no time flat.

I kept it together for the boys and made sure their day was good. I had a friend with me as well and we managed to keep the smiles on the faces.

My middle child and his girlfriend spent a lot of the day together too. They had an episode and I had to look after them both and make sure they were okay before sending her packing! A little extra stress on Christmas day.

I will admit I ended up on the kitchen floor for a few hours in the early AM, but at least my backside mopped up some of the fat I spilled from the roasties! At least the bit doggo missed.

It feels strange for me as every girl I know says I need to open up and be their for the boys. Every boy I know says I need to keep myself to myself and be their for the boys. At least everyone agrees on one thing.

I'm spending my Boxing Day watching telly and snuggling with my youngest whilst recovering from the stupid amount of alcohol I consumed. Even doggo joined us.

Final count, I drank 1 litre of vodka; 10 beers; half a bottle of sherry. My name is Dave. Am I an alcoholic?

Maybe. I have never had a healthy relationship with booze but lately things have got very bad for me. A few months without and maybe some meetings are in order I think.

I really shouldn't drink with the pills anyway!

I was what you would call a latch key kid. Mum worked nights and slept during the day so we had to look after ourselves a lot. My fling with alcohol started around the age of 8 when I got hold of the cherry brandy! Yum!

When my friends started experimenting with drink I already had a very high tolerance and could drink anyone under the table. It was a game at the time, for some it still is. I realise it's just really bad behaviour now for an adult. Especially one with children to look after.

Don't get me wrong, it's okay on occasion. Day in and day out though? No! Not ever.

I have signed up to counseling to help me cope with my feelings and to reconcile some of my ex's behaviours that trigger me. I know it shouldn't affect me, but it is hard.

I couldn't stand some of the things she did when we were together and now I have to put up them even when we aren't. I'm sure it's the other way around as well, so 6 of one and a billion dozen of the other.

I'm also looking for a healthy mechanism to cope with my anger, and to enjoy things again. I don't get any enjoyment out of anything right now. I think that's because I always lived vicariously.

I was only happy if I was with someone else who was having a good time.

I'm giving my friends a break from me. I know I've been a burden and I will let them rest and then I will make amends. They want me to stay in touch but I know they are grateful for the break!

I've got a few weeks off work and am chatting daily to a very nice person I met online who is in a similar, but different, situation who doesn't live too far away. I'm very grateful for the help and support they offer, but mostly for just chewing the fat.

I'm also making an effort to do fun things that I never had the guts to do when I was younger, like dance, sing, and play Twister!

I know I'm headed in the right direction. I just need the mettle to keep going and a cushion to fall on when I need a break.